This is my Dream.

[milky white skin not rough but soft
some might say effeminate.

lithe body with long legs and large feet
some might say gangling.

the acrid smell of cigarette smoke
some might say disgusting.

two dimensional character on a tv screen
some might say insanity.]

This is my Reasoning.

I might agree with them. I mean, it's surely not one of my strong points. Sanity, that is.

I'm a 30+ year old bipolar gal with more psychological problems than you can count. I know textbook doctors love me. I don't see that, though. I see me as a little overweight and a bit shy of willpower sometimes. An artist and anime lover, a gamer that loves to sit on her butt for hours on end playing Silent Hill games beating the heck out of imaginary monsters.

Sure, I'm married to the best guy in the world. I love him dearly, but let's face it. The world of imagination is a great place. Folks with a wee bit more than the rest of the world - folks that usually fit the profile above in any way, shape or form -- it's how we reclaim our sanity. As an honest revival of our lagging spirits, the imaginary love cook (in my case) does everything.

The folks like myself that get crushes or even fall in love with anime characters and/or two dimensional cartoons don't usually fall big time for real life actors. Not usually. If we do, it's usually a character of the person, not the actor itself. You normally won't find someone who swoons for Roronoa Zoro from the anime 'One Piece' pining for Johnny Depp... but they may blush wildly if you mention Jack Sparrow from 'Pirates of the Caribbean'. It truly is a harmless escape from reality and the search for ultimate man - one who isn't real.

Because reality bites.

Let's tell the truth and shame the shrinks now, shall we? One of my all time favorite characters in any anime series is Sanji from the Japanese anime 'One Piece'. That's who the above poem is written about (you can flip through my gallery to see countless images if you want) and he's been my favorite for years now. Since around 1999 or 2000 or so. I forget exactly, it's been awhile.

Sanji smokes. He uses unbelievably coarse language, for the most part, peppering his everyday speech with swear words. He's also an idiot. If anything "pretty and female" wanders within his sight, he immediately turns into a wriggling, heart-eyed fool. This doesn't mesh well with my figure and form at all. If he were to be a real man, I'd be Mrs. Cellophane to him. He either would ignore me or make a horrible face if he did notice me by accident. Even were he to pay me attention, his head would be turned by the next young thing that happened into his vision.

Eh. (Maybe that's why I've started obsessing over Zoro instead, huh?)

Anyway, in my mind he can treat me the way I want - need -- to be treated. Not like in real life. If he existed (and many like him do) he would ignore me or even snicker at me, yes. But in my mind I can be treated like a princess, just like those size 5 stick-thin impossible-looking gals get treated by him. I can be what I want to be in my mind too, and match the looks of those other women for a short while. In real life, I'm slowly plodding along towards that goal. It's driving me nuts...it's a one step forward, two back situation. In my dreams, I can be where I want to be in an instant.

It usually confirms my goals: I want to lose weight. To be healthy and all that. If I can lose myself in a "look how good it is to be thin" world, I can see myself getting thin. And I will be again. Someday.

This is my Personal Psychologist.

Some of us can't afford a real one. Ha! No, no, I kid. I jest. If you've been in therapy long enough you pick up some tidbits. Intelligent and creative folk learn fast and can usually diagnose themselves when they have issues. As long as you can admit your faults, anyway. And then there's always a place like here, where you can write a huge essay about something to get it off your mind, and then...uh...

Psychologist.

Sanji acts as my buffer. He's flitting about in my head (along with, interestingly enough, someone he despises on the show) to offer comments and support when I need them. And not that my husband doesn't! What I mean is, the very second I need them. And not the way most guys usually offer support.

Female: "I feel so fat and disgusting."

Male: "Oh, that's okay honey...I married you for what's inside you, not your outside form!"

Translation to females: 'yes, you are fat.' That's all we hear, guys. And yeah. It might be true, in my case it is right now. But it's much nicer to hear your personal anime boy rooting for you, soothing you with words of encouragement when you want to reach for that piece of pizza instead of the baked fillet of fish.

Me: "I feel so fat and disgusting."

Sanji: "I see the beauty you could become again, Angel..."

And so on. They say what we want them to say, what we know is good for us to hear. It can be beneficial.

This is the End.

Those of us that are into anime guys are for a reason. They're just as much a fantasy to us as your Tom Cruise or whoever is to you "normal" people.

That's right. I said normal.

I know that's what you consider yourselves compared to us. Folks that aren't "into" it think someone loving or desiring an anime guy is weird and abnormal. It's just another fantasy. Another way to escape from the harsh world. Maybe you read, or play some kind of game, exercise, knit, watch television, whatever. The thing is, every single person has some kind of escapism technique. Don't mock what you don't understand just because it's different.

If we realize that the real world still exists and don't get too caught up in the fake, these guys can be the best thing that ever happened to us. They help us fix our problems and work towards our goals in ways our minds can come to grips with.