Dear ____, I would like to write you to clear up a few things you've been asking about. First off, hi! Hello there. Yes, I run the website roronoas.com. Among a few others, of course, this isn't my only one. It's called a "Fan Site". Wikipedia is killing a lot of them because people are stupid sheep and they like the idea of getting all their information from cold, second hand sources that are (many times) wrong.

But you know that, right? Because you overly praised my site in your email.

...pauses briefly, frowning, as she suddenly hears Admiral Ackbar screaming "IT'S A TRAP!" in the distance. [/nerd reference 1]

Funny.

Oh well.

Anyway, to respond to your questions. I'll try and answer them all, so please bear with me.

1) Are you really married to Roronoa Zoro?
Oh my, yes. We live on a lovely little ship on the deep blue sea and marines are always chasing us but that doesn't seem to matter. I'm friends with all the Strawhats as well. Isn't it nice to know the truth finally?

Oh wait... uh.

2) Is there any chance I could have him? Is there hope?

All right then. There we go. Shall we proceed?

Stares blankly at email.

Was that basically it? The rest is all the same sort of thing. Who would I think would get it on with him if "we weren't together" (as obviously we are) and all that. Oh and some questions about Zoro himself and his household habits.

What sarcasm..? Me? Was I doing that above? Why would I do that when I get these emails that all basically ask the same questions and then try to trap me into saying silly responses so you and your little pals can make fun of me?

Zoro is my husband, yes. I call my real life husband by this name because he does not like his actual name being used on the internet. It has the same amount of letters as "Zoro" and starts with the same freaking letter. (Z, if you're a little challenged there. It's all right. I won't judge you). He roleplays with me and we have tons of fun with it. It's okay, though, because it's our life. Not yours. What we do with it is our business and since I was lucky enough to find my "Zoro" in this world of drab, colorless, typical guys I hope you eventually find yours too.

Hmm. I wonder.

Is it annoying to find that I'm not some aging whore bag with no life that is an imbecile, making it easy for me to fall for that kind of obvious trickery? Sorry to burst your bubble. I am older than you most likely - especially if you're "crusading" against me (teenage/pre-teen drama) because of what I do for fun. I know you won't like it when I say I was the same way when I was your age. I hated Anne Potts because she acted with Rick Moranis in "Ghostbusters II" - she had sex with him OH MY GAWD. [/nerd reference 2]

But she didn't.

It was acting. But you know what? I loathed that actress with an unholy passion. I was jealous that she was able to get that close to my crush. So I understand why you're doing it. The only problem is that I'm less of a celebrity than she was (and is). Have you thought about the fact that I'm a real person with real feelings just like you? I've been through this before with tons of obsessive fans and your angst and "hatred" doesn't bother me. You'll forget him anyway.

Oh ho. That got your attention, didn't it?

You will. I've seen it before and here I am still plugging along with the same fangirl love, happy and content. You'll find some other character or actor/singer whatever and he'll (or maybe even she. who knows nowadays) will take Zoro's place.

All I'm saying in the end is man, there are better things to do than pick on some faceless chick on the internet because you're jealous for some reason or another. Go have fun. You've got a lot ahead of you. I bet you're not ill, have a disease or crippling mental issues. You also don't have a car payment, house payment, college debt or anything to worry about other than mommy or daddy didn't let you go have a sleepover or buy that game or CD you wanted.

I have more issues than that. I need my release and my fantasies to help with the crap I deal with day in and day out.

Can you raise your head without fainting?

Good for you. Some days I can't even do that. I have low blood pressure disease. I also have week-long (sometimes longer, I once went almost a month ...ugh) migraine headaches. How's that for fun? I have an injury for life from work where I separated all the muscles from my ribs on my left side and this makes it nearly impossible to drive for long periods of time *cough-fifteen-minutes-cough*. The half-hour nosebleeds I get cause me to pass out from lack of blood as well and man, you don't even want me to get started on menopause or being bipolar - diagnosed way back when they called it manic depressive and fed pills until my memory is like a sieve now. I forget things told to me hours beforehand and latch onto other weird ones. Huh.

WHOO!

So hey, I'm writing this just because it's too early for bed, Zoro's asleep, I'm bored and I wanted to get some shit off my chest. You gals and guys always ask me the same things and you're always trying to rip me a new one, right? Why? I'm not hurting you. You, however, are trying to deliberately hurt someone. Sad. I don't understand it.

Go live life, have fun and be happy instead of always trying to pick fights with people. It doesn't hurt you know. And if you're really desperate to "hate" there's always people that deserve it, like pedophiles and serial murderers.

I mean really.